Timelords of Terror - the Astonishing Climax!

So in the first part of this series we compared the Doctor to Bernard Quatermass and ended with a remarkable fantasia about the early arrival of the Cartmel Era making Britain a Utopia; in our second instalment we encountered a charming Sylvester McCoy and a naked, hooting Jim Broadbent; then yesterday we got serious for a moment and examined the cultural insensitivity of 1970s horror. But the greatest revelation has been saved for this post, for

8. There's a movie where the Valeyard fucks a tree

For all the flagrant racism of its fourth story, 'Luau', Tales That Witness Madness does have one major advantage in the 'horror movies starring actors who've played Timelords' department, which is that it actually features two: Mary Tamm, as we've already discussed, winds up getting killed and eaten by Michael Petrovich's Kimo, but the anthology's third story, 'Mel', features Michael Jayston, who played the Valeyard, an evil future incarnation of the Doctor, during Colin Baker's infamous second season, the much-maligned 'Trial of a Timelord' arc. 

In 'Mel' we first encounter Jayston's character jogging in the woods near his home. This immediately positions him as a figure of suspicion - in the 1970s the only people who jogged in the UK were Jimmy Savile and people planning to overthrow the government in a military coup. The first sign that Jayston's character might be closer to the former than the latter comes when he notices a particularly sexy dead thing by the side of the road - the similarities end there, however, as this turns out to be the corpse of a tree rather than, say, that of a former Prime Minister. An enamoured Jayston takes the tree home with him and sets it up in pride of place in his living room, much to the dismay of his wife, played by Joan Collins. Now, personally, if I had 1970s, in her prime Joan Collins in the house I wouldn't be picking up strange pieces of foliage and taking them home with me, but then again I'm not one of the protagonists in a 1970s portmanteau horror picture. 

Anyway, the tree - which Jayston and Collins christen 'Mel' after noticing some graffiti carved in its bark - turns out not to be anywhere near as dead as it seems, and begins working on a scheme to be rid of its rival for the future Valeyard's affections. Eventually, the diabolical dryad succeeds in its aim, though not before we're treated to a dream sequence in which the tree's hand-like branches mangle Collins' breasts - honestly Mel, do you think you're in 'The Mark of the Rani' or something? 

Britain: where even the trees are bloody nonces

Angered at the thought of being molested by an animated plant - as all right-thinking people would be - Collins rummages around in her hubby's workshop and digs out his machete (you may think it wild that people in 1970s England could just own machetes, but what you have to remember is the ever-present threat that Alan Bates might emerge from out of nowhere and attack you with his death-shout). As she confronts the eerie elemental, the camera swings over to Jayston, emerging from the bedroom and remonstrating with his beloved. 'What did you have to go and do that for?' he moans, and we then cut to him back in the woodlands, burying something under leaves. Can you guess the twist? That's right - he was burying his wife! As the story ends we see the oaks-orious (I'll get me coat) Jayston entering the bedroom, where Mel is already installed on the divan for a night of human-on-tree loving...at which point the film thankfully cuts back to its framing sequence, in which Jayston is a patient in a lunatic asylum, under the care of Donald Pleasence (who, between this, Halloween and the John Badham Dracula adaptation, is frankly in danger of being typecast). But the implication is clear - the Valeyard shagged a plant. Think about that next time you watch 'Terror of the Vervoids'. 

Incredibly, however, Tales That Witness Madness was not the most bizarre film I watched for this challenge. That honour goes to...

9. The Haunting of Villa Diodati (Spanish)

Hugh Grant plays Byron. What could go wrong?

There's a certain kind of horror fan who will scoff at you if you attempt to find common ground with them by mentioning that you enjoyed Tod Browning's 1931 Universal Pictures Dracula. 'Yes,' they say, 'it is quite good. But of course, the Spanish version is much better.' They say this because they are pricks, but it is true that a Spanish version of the tale of the Count was filmed at the same time, and on the same sets, as the Browning version, though helmed by a different director and featuring a different actor, Carlos Villarias, as the titular bloodsucker. Whether this version beats Browning and Lugosi's effort is a matter of taste, but the version exists and is of some significance. 

What I didn't know before beginning this challenge is that there is also a Spanish-made version of one of the more well-received episodes of the Chibnall era, 'The Haunting of Villa Diodati'. Well, sort of. That story, of course, portrays Jodie Whittaker's Doctor and her fam hanging out at the eponymous Villa with the Shelleys and Lord Byron (and also, Polidori is there) before getting interrupted by Ashad, the Lone Cyberman. Of course, the events of the famous ghost story session which led to Mary Shelley writing Frankenstein and thus inventing science fiction have been a source of fascination to many later creators, most notably in Ken Russell's Gothic, but also in the more recent Mary Shelley movie starring Elle Fanning, and 1988's Haunted Summer, which features a sensitive performance from Alex Winter as the put-upon Polidori. 

Spanish director Gonzalo Suarez was also inspired by the Romantics' 1816 meet-up, and set about writing and directing Remando al viento a.k.a. Rowing with the Wind, a story in which Mary Shelley's creation comes to life and starts killing off everyone close to her, for some reason. It's never established exactly what the Creature thinks he's playing at doing all this, but perhaps a clue lies in the fact that when he meets Mary, he talks to her by repeating things she has already heard from the men in her circle, suggesting perhaps that the Creature has come to life as an expression of her proto-feminist rage. That said, he is an equal opportunity killer, as happy to take out Byron's daughter as the Shelleys' son, and saving Byron, who surely ought to be one of his prime targets of feminist ire, for last. Oh, and the Creature in the film looks like this: 

And...he...talks...in...that...plodding...halting...manner...familiar...from...the...story's...cinematic...adaptations, rather than the Romantic Hero who condemns his creator in long, rhetorically complicated speeches that Mary Shelley actually wrote about. 

But focusing on the supernatural aspects of this film risks making it seem altogether better than it actually is: the scenes between the writers at Villa Diodati and afterwards are packed full of dialogue of the 'they say this fellow Faraday has invented electricity!' variety, with Valentine Pelka's Percy Shelly being a major offender in this regard. Hugh Grant (one of those Curse of Fatal Death Doctors, of course) as Byron is the only character who really convinces, largely because he has clearly decided to just take the piss, which lends his performance a properly Byronic insouciance, especially in the early scenes where he torments his doctor and hanger-on Polidori. 

Grant's Byron is lucky enough to survive most of the film, though the Creature ominously states that they...will...meet...in...Greece. Incidentally none of the deaths are shown directly, ostensibly to create ambiguity about whether Mary is imagining the Creature's role in events, but also saving the production team from having to put in the effects and stunt work that would be necessary in a realistic portrayal of Percy Shelley's dramatic drowning. Unfortunately for Suarez the way he chooses to handle this offscreen death results in one of the most unintentionally funny camera moves in the history of cinema, as the camera lingers on the boat from which Shelley will fall

- then pans violently to a shot of his funeral pyre. It's jarring and sudden and probably meant to say something profound, but I laughed my ass off. And you will too - that is, if you can be arsed to track down a version of the film you can watch. Because despite having won seven Goya Awards (Spain's equivalent of the Oscars), this film is extraordinarily hard to get hold of. A Region One DVD copy of it will set you back twenty-five quid used on Amazon, and while eBay quotes better prices they're still more than you'd pay for most Blu-Rays these days. If you want to stream it, you're going to have to wander away from Prime or YouTube to the dodgier end of the Internet. It's a Miramax release, so its apparent non-existence might, like that of Dogma, be the result of Harvey Weinstein spitting his dummy out, but I think it's just as likely everyone involved with this film would rather it never saw the light of day again. Still, good giraffe scene, though. And if you're ever at a pub quiz and they ask what film Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley met on the set of, you now know it's this one. 

Well, with that, we've pretty much exhausted the notes I wrote summing up this challenge. Everything else either wouldn't stretch to a full entry (like the fact the scariest line I heard all October was Christopher Eccleston saying 'I promised them women' in 28 Days Later) or need their own entry after I've gone and watched a bunch of related stuff (like that piece I'm eventually going to do on the weird similarities between 'Kinda' & 'Snakedance' and Lair of the White Worm). Although actually, there is maybe one more thing...

10. Romana 2 was in a film with Darth Vader

That film is 1972's Vampire Circus, in which Lalla Ward plays a vampire acrobat and Prowse plays an entirely human strongman who's one of the vampires' thralls (as we find out in a scene where a smirking Prowse destroys a cross brandished at him by the hero). It's a fun film, though there isn't really much to say about it - but it does give me an excuse to end this serial with a picture of Ward as a sexy vampire. Really, it's the least I can do after inflicting naked Jim Broadbent on you all earlier. Not to mention Michael Jayston and his tree-shagging ways.