Patio Salo

 

I asked myself the question: what does someone like Wes Streeting do for fun? And then a vision descended on me, as it had before when I learned the horrifying truth about Keir Starmer, and reader: I knew.

Patio Salò

It’s Couples’ Night, when Wes and Joe

dine on their heated patio

and after, in reclined repose,

role-play the parts of Fred and Rose.

Joe, in wing collar, big lapels,

makes Wesley’s heart and part both swell

- there’s risk he’ll prematurely mess

his replica of Rose’s dress

but Wes resists, he holds his nerve

while Joe reads extracts from Fred’s oeuvre.

Their lechers’ lectionary kicks off

with poor dismembered Lynda Gough

who was, when excavated, found

with her whole jaw securely bound

and bound around again with tape

like she was one of Wesley’s mates

who, pictured in the paper, claim

the woke have silenced them again.

It makes Wes laugh to see such stuff.

‘Fred knew how to shut bitches up!’

He chortles, and his Joe agrees,

dandling Wesley on his knee:

‘Use tape to keep her piehole closed:

She’ll breathe through the tubes in her nose

while we enjoy her where she’s hung. 

We know how to have our fun 

with kneecaps, spine and finger bones,’

he coos as Wesley wetly moans.

It seems, once more, they haven’t got

as far as Juanita Mott,

but there’ll be other couples’ nights:

it’s time to shower, wrap up tight

and take their foreplay to the street

where, slyly, they contrive to meet

some shivering urchin, ill at ease,

estranged, unhoused by policies

put through by some of Wesley’s chums

to save the cash we spend on guns. 

Joe always makes the first approach:

Wes must appear beyond reproach

and, even in his Rose disguise,

is likely to be recognised.

Besides, Joe has the common touch:

knows how to come on just enough

to keep the mark from catching on

to just what kind of action

both he and Wesley have in mind.

And, with their urchin thus beguiled,

they head back to their pied-à-terre.

And, as for what might happen there,

we cannot say: we must, of course,

be mindful of the libel laws.

But oh, what horrors we might know

if we dug up Wesley’s patio!