What do you reckon, this year's Christmas card? |
Wrestling Emily Dickinson
The life & opinions of AJ McKenna.
Sunday 6 October 2024
Festive Fayre
Sunday 8 September 2024
INSIDELEFT Interview!
YouTuber Steven Fearon interviewed me on his channel, INSIDELEFT, about my recent poem Tell Me, Physician, and much more besides. I really enjoyed having this opportunity to explain what was going through my mind in writing that poem, what inspires me creatively, what I've learned and why I think it all matters (and even slag off that racist disappointment Caitlin R Kiernan a little bit). Give it a watch, and maybe even like, comment and subscribe!
Friday 6 September 2024
Winter Terror
Thursday 29 August 2024
Monthly Update: August
Traffic Light Banana |
I tend to use this blog mainly for writing essays, which means I tend to neglect the actual 'log' part of the process. To correct this, I intend to write an update post like this once every month, giving you a rundown of my activities, and pointing out ways in which you can support me in continuing them.
First of all, as you can tell from the image at the start of this post, I've been drawing and sketching a lot lately. I started doing an art therapy course where the goal was to produce a painting at the end; in service of that goal, we were given sketchbooks and told to start practising.
This was a big challenge to me, as I hadn't picked up a pencil or a paintbrush since I stopped doing art as a subject after my third year at Secondary School. So I figured I should get a lot of practice. My early efforts, like this picture of the luchadors Santos and Blue Demon, were pretty simplistic:
Over time, though, I began to improve somewhat.
Yes, I drew the berserk EVA, I am such a cliché |
That Basement |
Avebury Cove Stones |
Eventually, I was able to complete the painting I had decided to do for the project. I decided to create a semi-abstract piece called Jubilee Weekend, summing up how I felt on that very Bank Holiday weekend when a friend took me out for a drink to talk over the recent death of my mother (something I also mention in a recent piece of music I made, Phrygian for Fred) and my anger over being surrounded by symbols of jingoistic celebration at a time of personal grief. This event was very much on my mind following the recent, sudden and unexpected death of the friend in question.
Jubilee Weekend |
Jacques Derrida |
Study for a Portrait of Derek Jarman |
Stop being fascist little freaks man |
Magnolia grandiflora |
Sunday 18 August 2024
Parhelion: A Prologue
Saturday 3 August 2024
Tell Me, Physician
Bad doctors make good torturers. Not just
because of training in anatomy:
because long training and high station
flatter vanity, and breed resentment
of a truculent humanity, who will
insist they understand their bodies’ mystery
better than their lettered intercessors,
as they Google diagnoses, or ignore
their pain beyond capacity for healing, or
insist on medication, or dispute classification; as they
waddle, fat, back into surgery regardless
of how many times they’ve been told
to lose weight. And so a doctor learns
to hate, and to desire a new relation
with her patients: one where actions are
dictated and complied with without question.
And such fantasies, when licensed,
overpower with ease the catechistic
call to do no harm, and so the healer
learns to injure without qualm.
Bad doctors make good torturers, it’s true,
and good doctors are vanishingly few,
so tell me, physician: which are you?
-------------------------
This poem is dedicated to Kamran Abbasi, Jenifer Block, and all the terverts at the thoroughly captured British Medical Journal, which has decided to run cover for the Nazi-style pseudoscience of the Cass Review, which the not-captured British Medical Association has rightly criticised. It is very clear in this situation who the good doctors are: and they aren't the ones who cross-dress as journalists and like to drive trans kids to suicide to get their jollies.
Wednesday 31 July 2024
Insomnia
The thing about 'Insomnia', the song, by Faithless, right, is that the late (and I mean genuinely late, not whatever Trump means when he calls Hannibal Lecter 'late') Maxi Jazz was a middle-aged man when he wrote it. Because that song is about what it's like to experience insomnia, the condition, in your forties. The Corrs were right about what it's like at the other end of the age spectrum: 'it really doesn't matter...'cause when tomorrow comes, we can do it all again.' Well, bully for you, kids, but it isn't like that when you're my age.
When you're my age insomnia is a horrible limbo condition, an eternally recurring purgatory of hopelessness, a merry-go-round of lying down, closing your eyes, trying to sleep and failing because of course you can't try to go to sleep, you either sleep or you don't, there is no 'try', it isn't something you can will yourself to do because the act of willing yourself to do something precludes relaxation, so the carousel goes round again and you get off the fibreglass horse and you sit up and read, or draw, or watch YouTube or play video games to break state, to distract yourself, and if you're lucky an hour later your eyelids will start feeling a little bit heavy and you can lie down, let them close and slip past the nightwatchman but more likely no, psych, you feel the anxiety rising and realise you're trying again after all and the fibreglass horses are laughing at you behind their painted-on eyes and you may as well rise and try another trick and see if that gets you past go, or else you wind up like me, now, heavy-lidded but restless, eyes like pissholes in the snow, too tired to face the day but too wired to wave it bye-bye. Insomnia sucks.
I should have known this would happen. I was overdue. Anxiety drives my insomnia and this week I've been making some proper moves to try and sort my life out for the first time in ages, applying for things, polishing my resume, arranging meetings to discuss new things I'm working on (of which more in due time, dear reader, I promise) and so with tedious fucking inevitability of course the first night this week I had to relax because I had stuff on the calendar today would be the first night that I couldn't, the first night I wouldn't be asleep by ten and up the next day with the lark. I mean I'm up now, yes, but I already was when Vaughan-Williams' chum came on the scene, not that there's much chance of hearing him ascend above the sound of drunks and sirens in my part of town. But even they can't drown the laughter of the gods who glimpsed my diary. Hypnos, Morpheus, those lords of sleep, those well-known bastards.
I can't get no sleep.