Sunday, 23 March 2025

Esther's Baby


Like a lot of trans people, I'm beginning to wonder why Brianna Ghey's mother seems to be so happy to appear in outlets like The Guardian and the BBC blaming her daughter's death on social media instead of, you know, the institutionalised transphobia of the places that seem so strangely keen to platform her. Especially when the policies she calls for seem almost certain to make it harder for other trans kids to find community online, and will indeed make it harder for abused kids of any gender to access what could be lifesaving support. 

So I thought to myself, why on Earth would she do that? And, well, you know where that tends to lead me:

Esther’s Baby

She learned, when she was very small,
that every mother wants a doll,
and not somebody who desires and dreams,
and seeks a place outside of others’ schemes.

Something to dress and show around,
a bump to bear with beaming pride
and, presently, a bouncing babe!
Not something for itself, no - a thing made,
pure product, matrix-minted issue,
wee feet to fit a dainty little shoe:
a brand new dolly, just for her;
a merit badge proclaiming care,

A sign that she was in the club,
A girl fulfilled. A woman. Mum.
And should her darling fail to settle,
should nights become a sleepless battle, 
even her complaints next day
would, to a fellow mum, convey
a maker’s pride in execution. 
Her lovely boy. Her job well done.

And if boy became something that child would chafe, 
a chain she’d worry, war against and break,
what was that but a cross to bear? 
Not for her child, of course. For her
All would admire her brave support,
as ally - what the A stands for. 
Except - 

If she would only wear the clothes
her mum picked out instead of those
drag-faggy rags she chose to sport;
if she would only try to walk 

less showily when they were out,
not storm and cry and scream and pout
at what was, really, just advice?
She used to be so very nice

when she was small. When she was young.
When she was what she called her son. 
And everybody makes mistakes! 
Why get so hung up on a name? 

It’s just a word. And so is her
So she said him sometimes. Couldn’t she be fair?
Would it kill her to stay in the room
for Harry Potter? It was just a film. 
No need for all this song and dance,
for talk of human rights and protest chants,
These things she picked up from her phone:
it wasn’t right, to undermine

A mother’s right to raise her child,
to keep her girl from running wild.
You listen to me, little lady,
you may think  you’re so amazing,
but carry on the way you’re going 
and pretty soon you’ll come to know
how girls who act like you end up…

And so she did. Well. There you go. 
How was a mum supposed to know?
You see what kids are like these days.
Their mobile phones and social games. 
She tried, you know. She really tried. 
You can’t say it’s her fault. Besides,

she still has so much work to do. 
It’s what her girl would want her to. 
She is an ally, after all,
you know - that’s what the A stands for. 

She owes it to the other mums
with troubled girls and wayward sons.
She’ll find a way to save their minds
from being warped by what’s online.

And she, so brave, will do it all
for her dear, her dead, her perfect little doll. 


Saturday, 15 March 2025

Patio Salo


 

I asked myself the question: what does someone like Wes Streeting do for fun? And then a vision descended on me, as it had before when I learned the horrifying truth about Keir Starmer, and reader: I knew.

Patio Salò


It’s Couples’ Night, when Wes and Joe
dine on their heated patio
and after, in reclined repose,
role-play the parts of Fred and Rose.

Joe, in wing collar, big lapels,
makes Wesley’s heart and part both swell
- there’s risk he’ll prematurely mess
his replica of Rose’s dress

but Wes resists, he holds his nerve
while Joe reads extracts from Fred’s oeuvre.
Their lechers’ lectionary kicks off
with poor dismembered Lynda Gough

who was, when excavated, found
with her whole jaw securely bound
and bound around again with tape
like she was one of Wesley’s mates

who, pictured in the paper, claim
the woke have silenced them again.
It makes Wes laugh to see such stuff.
‘Fred knew how to shut bitches up!’




He chortles, and his Joe agrees,
dandling Wesley on his knee:
‘Use tape to keep her piehole closed:
She’ll breathe through the tubes in her nose

while we enjoy her where she’s hung. 
We know how to have our fun 
with kneecaps, spine and finger bones,’
he coos as Wesley wetly moans.

It seems, once more, they haven’t got
as far as Juanita Mott,
but there’ll be other couples’ nights:
it’s time to shower, wrap up tight

and take their foreplay to the street
where, slyly, they contrive to meet
some shivering urchin, ill at ease,
estranged, unhoused by policies

put through by some of Wesley’s chums
to save the cash we spend on guns. 
Joe always makes the first approach:
Wes must appear beyond reproach

and, even in his Rose disguise,
is likely to be recognised.
Besides, Joe has the common touch:
knows how to come on just enough

to keep the mark from catching on
to just what kind of action
both he and Wesley have in mind.
And, with their urchin thus beguiled,

they head back to their pied-à-terre.
And, as for what might happen there,
we cannot say: we must, of course,
be mindful of the libel laws.
But oh, what horrors we might know
if we dug up Wesley’s patio!




Monday, 10 March 2025

A simple event of my day


 

Impressions from the exhibition 'Chris Killip: The Last Ships' at the Laing Art Gallery, Newcastle upon Tyne 

Terraced houses in the snow

Graffiti: 'DON'T VOTE PREPARE FOR REVOLUTION CPB M-L' (photographed 1975, probably written 1974)

many motorcycles

men and boys looking at the camera

a tall wide shipyard ladder

Graffiti: 'HAGGIS IS MEAT'

the ferry stop from Get Carter

a shipyard lad in a boiler suit and built-up boots with heels 

Tyne Pride - the biggest ship ever built on this river, sold for less than it cost to build and broken up in India in 2005 




Friday, 7 March 2025

...and performing

 

A smoke break: for many, the only respite

The thoughts I outlined about different forms of performance yesterday were on my my mind as I watched The Last Showgirl. It really is as good as everyone is saying, but the thing that struck me the most about it is a kind of performance which is by no means restricted to professional entertainers. 

The titular protagonist of Gia Coppola's film, Shelly (Pamela Anderson) is struggling to come to terms with the fact that the Las Vegas revue she's been part of for thirty years is approaching the end of its run, and, in the process, having to reassess her place in the landscape of contemporary employment and gender politics. You realise, as the film goes on, that for Shelly the casino stage is more than just her workplace, it's her safe space, her refuge from a changing world she understands less and less as she gets older. In this respect Shelly reminded me a lot of Mickey Rourke's Randy 'The Ram' Robinson in The Wrestler, and like that character, another major strand of Shelly's story is her attempt to reconcile herself with her estranged daughter Hannah (played by Billie Lourd). 

Shelly has a habit of saying things about her show which sound like PR lines from a press release she long ago internalised, which are routinely shot down by the younger members of the cast: 

    Shelly: We were ambassadors for style and grace...The costumes. I mean it makes you feel like                         you're stepping out of the pages of Vogue magazine. I think that's why women like to come                     to the show. The glamour is undeniable.

    Mary-Anne: The glamour is undeniable. I think I could deny the glamour. 


The most brutal of these takedowns comes from Hannah, in a scene where she confronts Shelly for leaving her 'in the casino parking lot with a Gameboy while you did two shows a night': 

    Shelly: I mean if you can do what you love for thirty years, you know, and be passionate about your                  career...

    Hannah: What kind of career is this? You're in the goddam back of 80 topless dancers! This was                            worth missing bedtime for most of my childhood? Was it? 

You're in the goddam back. This line sums up the cognitive dissonance Shelly spends the film struggling with. It may be her on the show's poster but it's her from thirty years ago, when she was young. Shelly isn't the star of the show now - she's in the back, just another body on the stage, sewing up her own torn wing-cape so the cost of having it repaired can't be docked from her pay, even as she tells others (and herself) that her job gives her freedom, that she's doing what she loves, and that it's something she is 'passionate' about.

Ah yes, 'passion'. That word began showing up in advertisements for jobs around two decades ago regardless of - indeed, almost in inverse proportion to - the degree to which the job would seem to give workers something to be passionate about. One wonders how many people, by now, have had to pretend to be passionate about ready meals or tennis shoes or ISAs in order to convince a middle manager or a recruitment consultant who surely knows that they're lying that there's no lie they won't tell to get a job. Or, worse, no lie they'll eventually convince themselves to believe.

This popular motivational slogan started life as the title of a searing exposé of the Amway pyramid scheme. These days it's used unironically. It's meritocracy all over again.

I read today that due to a crisis in the broadcasting industry, senior TV producers are having to take jobs stacking shelves in supermarkets. I imagine these producers having to perform 'passion' for the supermarket experience to some retail manager in order to land those jobs. I imagine them sitting in the breakroom, looking at posters exhorting them to perform some version of positivity trademarked by their company's internal advertising department, no doubt with a cutesy acronym devised by somebody who can use the word 'learn' as a noun without feeling an urge to throw up.

They've seen the prices going up. They've seen more and more young men and women with sunken cheekbones trying to sneak food out past security. They've seen more and more goods get security tagged. Meat, when they started, then cheese. And then butter. 

The manager, who sat there during the interview and made notes on a piece of branded paper while they tried to demonstrate their passion for hooking people up with skimmed milk or tinned fish, won't hear a word of sympathy spoken for the shoplifters. 'It's organised,' he says. 'They're gangs. They sell it on. I saw a programme on the telly.' 

And the producer thinks about explaining that she knows exactly how programmes like that are put together, how press releases and video packages get laundered into a vague simulacrum of fact, but she decides against it because she has a mortgage, she has kids. She needs the shifts. So she just blankly says 'yeah' and makes herself smile once again as she wheels a trolley of white sliced bread to the shelves which face the in-store bakery. 

We may not have our tits out; we may not wear sequins and crowns: but, under neoliberalism, we are all the last showgirl. 

Performing and performing


 

A bit of self-promotion to start with: on Saturday March 15th I'm performing at Transtock, an all-trans music and poetry festival at The Globe pub in Newcastle. I'm really excited about this one, not just because it's my first proper gig since December but also because I'll get to see Gaydar, which I've been wanting to do for ages. Of course it also means I have to work out and rehearse a set list, which has got me thinking about performing. 

Well, that and the fact that, as I've mentioned before on here, I'm in the process of getting an official diagnosis of autism and ADHD. This has led to me thinking a lot about the ways in which I've found certain workplaces so difficult to cope with over the years. And what I've realised is that one of the reasons I found them so difficult was that, as well as getting stressed-out from all the normally anxiety-inducing aspects of those jobs, I was also in a state of perpetual nerves from the aspects of those jobs most of the people around me found relaxing. 

Because I can't manage small talk. I can't just chat with people. I can't 'banter' (and indeed, as you'll recall if you're a longtime reader of this blog, I frankly have some issues with the existence of banter itself as a concept). If something which interests me comes up, then I can talk to people about it but I know that, even then, I can come off as weird to a lot of people. It's hard for me to just stay at the surface level on things, to not see connections or go off on tangents. And if a conversation strays into the area of something I feel strongly about, it's hard for me to stay civil or just laugh shit off, because, like a lot of autistic people, I have an intense sensitivity to injustice. 

(And not to go off on a tangent here, but why is that pathological and not the fact that neurotypical people seem so much more relaxed about things being unjust? Why is being able to not give a shit about people considered the healthy behaviour? I mean do you ever stop to think about whether or not that might be why the planet is irreparably fucked up? Seriously, if the rule we followed brought us to this, of what use was the fucking rule?


...and the possibility of not being able to rein in an outburst like the above is why I find myself trying as hard as possible to stay on guard at all times in even the most minor social interaction. Smile politely. Don't be weird. Say the right words. Don't be weird. Oh they said something back. Don't be weird. What do normal people say at times like this? Don't be weird! Why are they looking at me like that don't be weird don't be weird. Wait are they looking as well oh God no don't be weird don't be weird don't be wait what did they just say? Don't react don't react don't, oh God don't don't be weird don't be weird don't be weird oh SHIT oh FUCK NOW THEY ALL THINK I'M FUCKING WEIRD. 

People always used to compliment me, at work, on what a professional sounding telephone greeting I had. And this always used to bother me because as far as I could tell I was just basically saying exactly the same thing as them. I was doing what we were supposed to do - create a sentence we could repeat in our voices with the correct rhythm and intonation a hundred times a day if necessary, and rehearse it until we could say it in our sleep, if necessary (guess what I say most of the time whenever I answer a phone in my dreams, regardless of the context?). 

It has taken years for me to realise that most of them had just noted that it said 'polite, friendly greeting' and some bullet points on the call script and would just work on that, instead of devising and refining their own personal antiphon. It's like the time I realised some people weren't lying when they say they had a happy childhood all over again. 

And I'm beginning to see now that the reason these people still had energy left over after work while I was completely drained was because they were actually able to relax by spending time in each others' company on breaks and over lunches, whereas I, from the moment I left the house until the moment I got home, was engaging in a work of supreme method acting to play the character of Normal Person. 

But hang on, AJ, why should that be a problem for you? I mean, you opened this entry by talking about a gig you have coming up. Why should you have trouble performing, when you're a performer? 



Well, indeed I am, but performing on stage and performing in everyday life are different things. For one thing, there's a clear demarcation between being on stage and off. Or rather there's a demarcation between the type of performing I do on stage and the kind I do when I'm hanging out with people afterwards because, yeah, I'm still worrying about Not Looking Weird when I'm at the bar or whatever. In fact, it sometimes feels as if being on stage is the only place where I get to be as weird as I want to be without having to make any excuses (and if you've seen me perform, you know it can get pretty weird). 

A stage is somewhere I have full control and total freedom. It's my time. I know exactly what I'm going to say, how I'm going to say it, what movements I'll make with my body, what topics will be addressed. If there is something I feel is unjust I am going to talk about it, and in words I have prepared and refined to have maximum impact. I do not have to worry about taking turns because the audience knows how long I am meant to be on stage for, and I needn't worry that I'm rambling because I have edited down everything I am going to say, even the bits between poems, and I have rehearsed with a stopwatch to make sure I bring things home on time. It is, quite simply, so much easier than LARPing as a Normal Fucking Person. 

Thursday, 6 March 2025

Christmas is the Dragon

Brian Kiteley, author of The 4 A.M. Breakthrough, a book of 'unconventional writing exercises' I am currently reading because I am in the process of preparing a creative writing course for students at the Recovery College where I currently volunteer, quotes Fran Lebowitz as having once observed that 'After forty, Christmas seems to arrive every three months.' From this I take it that, at least from her forties onwards, Ms Lebowitz has known sufficient material comfort that Christmas has never been a financial problem for her. I say this because I am 47 years old and, for the past five years, I have not known a year in which I was not crushingly, grindingly aware of the gravity of that festival and the dent it would put in my bank account. 

I say gravity because, like a planet, Christmas, for the poor, distorts all the space around it - both the months beforehand, in which money for presents, cards and wrapping must somehow be found, and the months afterwards, in which one must, Sisyphus-like, attempt the impossible feat of stretching even less than usual out until payday, to the point where the brevity of February is experienced as a profound fiduciary mercy. With the advent of March, one can breath again - a little. But by September at the latest the fretting over gifts begins anew. 

Last year I tried to follow a saving regime which I thought would make Christmas a breeze. The theory seemed simple: on the first day of the month, transfer one penny from the current to the savings account; on the second, save two pence; on the third, three, and so on. Going up in increments of only a penny a day, and starting anew at the beginning of each month, I calculated that I could save enough money to handily pay for all the expenses associated with Christmas, might perhaps even be able to purchase my relatives something which felt properly special for once. 

This did not work. The cost of living increased; my flat flooded; soon enough I found myself forced to empty what little I had saved back into my current account, and Christmas, which had seemed tame, resumed its place as what it had always been: the dragon waiting at the summit of the year, eager as always to exact its crippling tribute. And I resumed, again, my state of knowing, in the depths of my pockets and the pit of my stomach, every single step I would have to crawl up to that summit. 

And yes, I know how this sounds. I know what you get called if you have a negative take about Christmas. And I've written about how that's a bunch of bullshit too

Bah and, indeed, humbug. 

Monday, 3 March 2025

Who Stays Cancelled? Who Decides?

 

Yes, I know I used this yesterday. I'm going to use it as the actual thumbnail when I record the last entry for my YouTube channel as well. Deal with it. 

Let's join some dots. In the preceding entry, we looked at Todd Field's Tàr, and the way in which it has been misread, perhaps intentionally, by many critics as a tale of artistic genius destroyed by cancel culture when anyone who pays attention to the film clocks pretty quickly that its protagonist is both unambiguously an abuser and very obviously faking genius: Lydia Tàr has worked out how to give off the signifiers which allow her to pass as a cultural icon while avoiding any truly challenging artistic engagement. In much the same way that Stephen Fry is a stupid person's idea of a clever person, Tàr is a Radio 3 listener's idea of a contemporary classical artist: committed to the canon, apolitical, dismissive of the avant-garde, happy to trot out an amusing anecdote and make the kind of cultural references that inspire a sensible chuckle in her aging and affluent audience. Happy to flatter the pretensions of that audience - to reassure them that they must be very clever, very cultured people if they consume her content. And thus well-placed, until the revelation of her career of abuse, to function as one part of an edifice of cultural product based around flattering and indulging that audience. 

And in the entry before that, I drew your attention to Elizabeth Sandifer's essay The Cuddled Little Vice, which dissects the life and work of the fantasy author and prolific rapist Neil Gaiman. In that essay, Sandifer pretty comprehensively documents the process by which Gaiman, too, learned how to give off and manipulate the signifiers which allowed him to pass as a cultural icon while never producing anything too challenging, anything which might prove too alienating towards a mass readership. While there were moments in his early work where he threatened to do so, most notably in some arcs of Sandman and some of his earlier, more personal works like Violent Cases and Mr. Punch, it was a con Gaiman had perfected by the time of the publication of American Gods, his first prose novel which was not either a collaboration with a more experienced author (Good Omens) or a retread of something he had first approached in a different genre (Neverwhere, Stardust) - after which Gaiman, unlike Orpheus or Lot's wife, never looked back. After American Gods, Gaiman also became part of that midcult edifice, with his own affluent readership to flatter. Until, like Lydia Tàr, his crimes caught up with him. 

It is worth thinking, though, about how those crimes caught up with their perpetrators, both in Field's film and in Gaiman's real life. In Tàr, the revelation unambiguously comes from below - from the young women Lydia abuses and tosses aside. The circumstances of Gaiman's downfall were murkier. While, most notably in a thorough (and thoroughly damning)  New York magazine article, the voices of the women Gaiman abused are now being heard, the first people who brought the case against him to public attention were very much not bringing the news from those below. 


Indeed, one of the people responsible for the Tortoise media podcast that first brought Gaiman's crimes to public notice is Rachel Johnson, the sister of former Prime Minister Boris Johnson, a man whose attitude to sexual assault is, to put it lightly, somewhat concerning, and who attends parties given by the Russian oligarch Evgeny Lebedev, which are reputedly also attended by 'models' who, like Gaiman's victims, are made to sign non-disclosure agreements. As it happens, Lebedev owns the Evening Standard newspaper, which employs Rachel Johnson as a columnist (undoubtedly entirely on merit), and where she made a rather interesting admission about her reasons for exposing Gaiman in a column titled 'I broke the Neil Gaiman story, but I never wanted him cancelled like this'. 

In that column, in which Johnson is careful to note that Gaiman 'was a kind, vocal, public ally of all the most worthy, trendy minorities and causes from refugees to trans kids', she claims that it was never her intention to bring about his 'blanket cancellation'. Rather, she wanted to 'probe the greyest of grey areas - allegations of sexual abuse within an otherwise consensual relationship', noting that many cases of intimate partner violence go unreported and that prosecutions can be undermined because the victims 'very often send their alleged abuser loving messages afterwards, that can be used as the crux of any defence', before weakly concluding that 'it's...complicated' and ending by saying 'I hope everyone listens to the podcast', which she links to. 

It's almost a nothing of a column, but it's important for what it represents. You'll recall that I ended the Tàr essay by musing on the mechanisms by which that film's protagonist would probably, over time, be able to return to some version of the spotlight. My belief is that in Johnson's column we are seeing those mechanisms operating pretty much in plain sight. A lot of trans people, myself among them, feel that the people behind the podcast that broke the Gaiman allegations did so because they hoped to provoke us into rallying round to protect a prominent ally - the way the transphobes at the Guardian suddenly lost all enthusiasm for believing and protecting women when one of their star columnists, Nick Cohen, was outed as a serial groper. As always, the terverts projected their own behavioural standards onto us (the same way they do when they call us 'groomers'). But we don't roll that way. Trans women had no hesitation in kicking Gaiman into the goddam gutter, never mind the kerb, for what he did. Indeed, the title of Sandifer's essay comes from a series of remarkable, vitriolic sonnets trans author Roz Kaveney wrote out of the sheer rage she felt on learning the truth about a man she once called a friend. 

In saying she never wanted Gaiman's 'blanket cancellation', Johnson is, partly, expressing her frustration that we didn't close ranks in the way she expected, but she is also offering the now-disgraced author a quid pro quo. Drop your support for those 'worthy, trendy minorities', Neil. Write something suitably penitent about the 'grey area' you drifted into. Blame it on the trannies, blame it on your trauma, say you got all turned around but now your head's screwed on and looking in the right direction - and you can have it all back. Let us help you. 

Cancellation comes from both above and below, but you only stay cancelled if the people with the real power decide you should stay that way. If Neil Gaiman abandons his previous, vocal support for trans rights, some of the very same people who condemn him now will be all to happy to aid him in his return to literary respectability. If he doesn't, then he will stay cancelled and we will know that he does, at least, have some kind of character, some form of moral centre. But frankly: the man is a rapist. I doubt that he does. If The Cuddled Little Vice tells us anything it's that Neil Gaiman, who 'learned about the world from ruthless people', is ruthless in pursuit of getting what he wants. 

To be brutally honest, I fully expect him to turn his back on trans people if that's the price of regaining the spotlight he thinks he deserves, and the only reason I'm writing this is so I can say I put it down as a marker for when the bastard does it.